I heard a conversation between two women this morning about how one of our male coworkers hasn't had sex in over a year. One of them said, "How is that possible that a man cannot have sex for a year? I mean I understand a month, but a year... I can't go that long." Within this one simple statement lies two very interesting and telling statements about the current climate of feminism in "normal society". The first point is the last sentence and how this woman was claiming her sexuality and acknowledging that she had needs that should be met. There has been a long thought that women do not have sexual needs, only men have needs and that is still reflected in mass culture many times over from the media telling us that women do not like or want sex to men having to beg or force women to have sex as women would not want to have sex on their own. This is a very prevailing sentiment and obviously false, but it is good to see that there are those who would not claim to be feminists who are reclaiming their sexuality and saying yes, I want sex, yes, I need sex. This seems to reflect some of the advances in feminism that women can say that they want to have sex especially in mixed company. I seem to know many women who are comfortable acknowledging their sexual needs in front of other people, but I also feel like these times have been with women who are married, have a significant other or the needs are being met by sex toys. Now I am not saying that sex toys are bad, but when this is discussed it is in a more joking manner or at times in a manner that is more sophomoric. These women may acknowledge that they have sex toys, but it is a substitute for a man not to be used in conjunction with a partner or it was a gift that they never use. This is still the same idea that women should be ashamed of having sexual needs and desires so if you are not with a partner you should be celibate.
The second point and really what struck me and made me want to write this post is that there is still the mythology that men will die or the penis will shrivel up or something horrible like that if a man does not get sex on a regular basis. This is total bullshit and really bothers me as a man, I did not have sex for five years and I am still alive and still have a penis that functions fine. The simple answer to how a any person does not have sex for a long period of time is masturbation. This allows for a sexual release without a partner, but that still does not get to the heart of the issue. The idea that if men cannot get sex than they must masturbate is still continuing the mythology that men have higher sex drives than women. This again is false, some men have higher sex drives and some women have higher sex drives, it is based upon the individual not the gender of the person. This ties in with the idea in the first paragraph about women and sex toys, it is Ok if a women has a sex toy as long as she is not using it. And if she is using it, then what is wrong with her man. Speaking of sex toys there was a conversation I had with a friend where she was scandalized because her friend has sex toys and is married and the sex toys were sitting out on the bed. When my friend was asked why her toys were out on the bed, her friend answered that she and her husband had used them together. This seemed to be the most scandalous thing ever according to my friend. Meanwhile the marriage had created two children so obviously the sex toys were just that, toys or aids to the sexual act. There is also a double standard here when it comes to masturbation. The same male coworker that people could not believe had gone for over a year without sex was harassed about the fact that he had broke his computer from watching too much porn. So, if he is not supposed to masturbate, but he does not have sex for whatever reason whether he is not interested in anybody at the time, he does not believe in sex before marriage or it just plain hasn't happened, what is supposed to be the answer? Most people have sexual needs that need to be met so they meet them either with a partner or alone, but either choice should be accepted as a viable option.
Why do we allow the patriarchy to dictate what is right and wrong in the bedroom? From homosexual marriage to women's "place in the home" to our use of sex toys and who should have a higher sex drive, we let society tell us too much that as adults we should be thinking about on our own.
